When you’re having a difficult conversation with your partner, accusatory tones and words can stop a discussion dead in its tracks. As soon as one or both of you feel attacked, the defensive walls come up, and constructive communication becomes all but impossible.
While we may know this instinctively, many of us frequently use statements that imply that the other person has intentionally hurt us and is wholly to blame in a situation. We focus on the other person’s behaviour or actions first, without spending time thinking about and articulating why we’re feeling hurt.
Herein lies the difference between ‘I’ and ‘you’ statements.
It’s a simple switch, but by being a little more mindful of how you voice your concerns when you communicate with your partner, you can have a huge positive impact on how much they are able to listen and hear what you’re trying to say.
Here are some specific ways that ‘I’ and ‘you’ statements are used in our everyday lives.
Starting a sentence with ‘I’ helps us talk about difficult feelings, say how the problem is affecting us and stops other people feeling blamed. It forces us to take responsibility for our own thoughts and feelings. Partners tend to experience this as less hostile, opening the possibility of further conversation and hope for a resolution.
Ultimately, they can frame a situation as something to be workshopped and solved together, instead of sounding like a complaint about your partner, or an attack on their character.
View this post on InstagramModelling a new way of communication takes time, practice and repetition. If you find yourself struggling to remember to use ‘I’ statements in real-time when you’re in the middle of a conflict or heated conversation, try one of the following practice exercises to help you form new habits around how you speak to your partner:
Even if the above practice exercises feel silly at first, just roll with it. Using some humour may even help you out the next time you’re looking to discuss something important with your partner.
Last but not least, remember that communicating effectively isn’t just a skill you’re born with. It can be learned, and with a little repetition and practice, things will get easier.